Mary Sue vs the Emperor
by Catlover friendly-but-xplosive
Summary: Must I really explain?


I wrote this story to be ridiculous, as you may have guessed. Also Stargate mentions.

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Mary Sue vs. the Emperor

Mary Sue stood in the Emperor's throne room, looking about her. To one side of her was Luke Skywalker, who had fainted when he'd seen her because of her sheer beauty. With her long, silky blonde locks, the hugest brightest blue eyes you'd ever seen and her porcelain skin, it wasn't hard to imagine why. She had a barbie doll figure and somehow managed to not be anorexic- it wasn't anything she did, just how she was written- she was the most gorgeous thing any man could clap eyes on. On the other side of her was the Emperor, who had been cackling and electrocuting the poor lovestuck Jedi on her other side currently unconscious. Now he was staring at her, hands flopping limp at his side, his cackle stopped and frozen on his face. With her excellent night and x-ray vision, she could see that he was staring adoringly at her.

Irritated, Mary Sue kicked the Emperor in the shin. He looked like a lost puppy- and whimpered like one.

"What did I do?" he asked in a pathetic voice not at all befitting of a villain of his status in fanfiction and canon. She sighed.

"Stop whimpering like a lost puppy and get on with the bad ass lighting," she ordered, stepping back and pointing at the prone form of Luke Skywalker. It took a second, but he nodded after he could tear his eyes from her mesmerising beauty. He turned his scarred visage to Luke and, as if she had pressed a remote control, he started cackling again and razing the boy. He screamed as he came awake, writhing.

His blue eyes fell on her. "Help, Mary Sue, help me!" he screamed. "I love you forever! HELP ME!!!!!!!" this last seemed to signal his death, but she pointed at the Emperor and he stopped. Luke lay there panting, and she approached him.

He stared adoringly at her- which the Emperor had now resumed doing also- and rose to his knees, head to the ground, scraping his nose along it.

"I will follow you forever," he promised. "I will love you and do anything for you, even kiss Yoda's green wrinkly ugly mug, even bitch slap Ben's ghost, even pet Chewbacca!"

"You're pathetic," Mary Sue said dismissively. "Why would I want you anyway? You kissed your sister, you bastard."

Luke looked like the puppy that had been savagely kicked and had no idea why. "You saved me, I know you love me!" he wailed. Mary Sue snorted.

"Me, love you? You are way below me, you little pond scum." As she spoke, he was shrinking. Hair grew from his face and underarms, his face changed, became longer, and soon he was a gorillia. Not a chimp- those were way too cute for him to become one. He beat his chest but he was still shrinking, back, back, until soon he was nothing but a piece of slime on the deck.

The Emperor wailed on seeing this.

"Oh no! My floors! I just had them professionally cleaned! Get it off! GET IT OFF!!! Ani, get it off!"

Darth Vader, who had been lurking and watching and laughing manically while this had been happening, now stepped forwards. He turned with distaste towards his master and made a bold statement he'd never dared make before:

"You are ugly!"

The slime on his perfect floor completely forgotten, the Emperor howled and launched himself at his loyal servant.

"How could you say such things? You cruel, cruel Sith! I trained you better than that; I trained you to be cruel to your enemies! Not to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

His voice rose to a high pitched, intolerable wail that everyone except Mary Sue screamed at. Even the pond scum on the floor. Vader picked his Master up and, just to shut him up, hurled him into the reactor tube. On the way, he tripped over the pond scum and went flying, and both Sith, grappling the whole way like small children, made an ominous splat on the bottom. Red blood washed all the way up in the place of the blue lightning George Lucas made there. The pond scum that used to be Luke Skywalker, and was infinitely better looking in his current form, wailed something that sounded like "DADDY!!!"

In disgust, Mary Sue kicked it over. Then pulled out a bottle of shoe polish and a cloth and carefully washed the spot it hit.

Just then the Death Star blew up. She grinned over at the author who had been fully planning to get rid of the disgusting Sue and touched something on her wrist. A Goa'uld force shield rose around her and she sailed away, waving merrily at aforementioned author, who was now smacking herself, beating her head on the desk several times very hard.

She needn't have given herself the headache. Mary Sue, that smug daughter of a bitch, had forgotten to look out for obstacles and ran head first into the asteroid made out of a potato near Hoth and died.

The author, cursing the fact she gave herself a needless headache, hit her head on the wall and faded out of sight nursing her wounded head and swearing blue murder.

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Please R&R!


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